LOST

Hallo liebe Welt,

viel ist passiert in der letzten Zeit. Aber vor allem, weiß ich einfach gerade nicht wohin. Mit mir, mit meinen Träumen, meinen Zielen und meinem Leben im Allgemeinen. Ich weiß nicht wer ich bin und was dieses „ich“ überhaupt ausmacht.

Ich habe zurzeit eine depressive Phase und lerne diese immer mehr zu akzeptieren und zum ersten Mal lasse ich auch wirklich zu, die dunkle Stimmung als Krankheit zu sehen. Das nimmt mir einerseits die Last der Verantwortung und Verurteilung, die ich mir so aufgehängt habe, andererseits nimmt es mir eine Menge an Motivation, zu kämpfen und mir einzureden, „Zita hey, wenn du jetzt aufstehst und rausgehst dann wird alles wieder besser und irgendwann gut.“ Dadurch, dass ich jetzt meine Psyche als tatsächliche Störung ansehe, die einfach so gegeben ist und nicht aus mir heraus kommt, habe ich noch mehr an Hoffnung verloren.

Jetzt verbringe ich seit ein paar Tagen mein Leben nur im Bett und lenke mich mit Büchern und dem Internet ab. Keine Lust rauszugehen und irgendwen zu sehen, alle meinen engsten Freunde sind gerade sowieso irgendwo in der Weltgeschichte unterwegs. Und ich habe es irgendwie verbockt, andere Freundschaften zu schließen. Die Leute die ich hier noch habe, mag ich zwar alle gerne, aber es fällt mir einfach so extrem schwer mich bei ihnen zu melden und sie zu treffen, weil ich mir so schwer tue meine Gefühle und meine „schlechte Seite“ zu zeigen. Diese Freunde sind nur für meine lebenslustige Seite reserviert. Ich ziehe mich mehr und mehr zurück und wünschte das alles hat ein Ende.

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A 100 ways Amsterdam inspired me

First of all I have to say that my loveliest friend, whom I made this trip with, inspires me by far the most. The conversations we had, the strength she gives me and just the way she is, she, who makes happy. I will forever keep this week in my heart.

The music of Buika accompanied us through Amsterdam.

The small vegan deli Deshima always offered a cozy and warm place for a coffee break after spending the whole day walking through the city.

Van Gogh, a man who started making art at the age of 27 and never stopped doing the one thing he loved, even though all odds were against him.

Anne Frank

the restaurant De Kas is located in an old green house and offered the best food I’ve eaten in a long long time. It really inspired me to experiment more with recipes I don’t know and use condiments I’m not familiar with.

Buying second hand is actually easy

I bought so many things second hand, normally I’m always trying to consume less, But because in Germany there are no second hand stores, comparable to those in Amsterdam, I really bought a lot, still only things I need or wanted for a very long time. The two stores I visited clothes wise were Zipper and Episode. From wallets, cashmere jumpers, Levis 501 jeans, to leather jackets, they both offered a greatly sorted range of everything. For books I went to the English Book Exchange, which used the great expression second life instead of second hand, which suits much better I reckon. The vinyls I bought were ranging from 1 to 10 euros. I can’t recall the name of the record store, but there a so many in Amsterdam.

A day at the north sea in Scheveningen, Den Haag

Oh how lovely is the sea. This was the first time I visited the north sea and it will definitely not be my last time.

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Autumn

It’s the first week of September and I found the perfect song to listen to.

September is my favorite month of the year, it’s a state of in-between. Summer is over and yet Winter isn’t here. The light becomes golden and the weather gets colder, you can start wearing cozy jumpers and fluffy scarfs, but the sun is still shining and the leafs are still green. On rainy days there’s nothing better than drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. And when the rain is gone you can sit outside and enjoy some ice cream, while soaking up the sun rays. The city is still alive and everybody is reminiscing in the last weeks of summer.

MARSEILLE

I just got home and holy moly it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

In Marseille I spent a month working with refugees and another month in an a studio making art everyday from 10- 6 pm, preparing for an exhibition.

When I finally got home after two exhausting months and the longest train ride ever, I fell into my papa’s arms and suddenly I started sobbing. In that momemt I could let go of all the stress, all the drama and finally I felt home again. It’s not like I haven’t had a good time at all, but it was very draining. In Marseille I spent a month working with refugees and another month in an a studio making art everyday from 10- 6 pm, preparing for an exhibition. I lived with people I didn’t really know or liked.

But I wouldn’t change the experience for the better, as I had amazing weekends in the Provence and made some great friends along the way.

I fell in love with the Calanques, a national park surrounding the city. The nature was just blissful.

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I bought a film camera

Two weeks ago I bought a Canon AE1, as I’ve wanted to get into film photography for quite some time now. Without any knowledge I just went for it and am really proud of the photos I took. I used a Kodak 200 ISO film and I am quite happy with the result.

Here are some of the best.

Books I’d re-read anytime

I love reading. But there are rarely books, I’d like to re- read. If this is the case though, it’s because these books are teaching me either to grow or provide alternative and inspiring ways of thinking. The lessons learnt are so valuable that to not forget them, I really appreciate reading them again.

-The Orange Girl // Appelsinpiken by Jostein Gaarder

A boy lost his father, when he was three years old. 14 years later he receives a letter, in which his father is telling him the story of how he met and how he fell in love with the Orange Girl.

“But the dream of something unlikely has its own special name. We call it hope.”

-Sophies World // Sofies verden by Jostein Gaarder

I can’t even begin quoting this book. It’s a 600 pages doorstop telling the story of philosophy. A must read!

-Eat, Pray, Love by my queen Elizabeth Gilbert

Some people hate it, some love it. In my case it was love. Elizabeth Gilbert tells a part of her life story. This woman had a really inspiring journey through life so far. In this part of her journey she heals from depression by traveling to Italy, India and Indonesia. In Italy she immerses herself in food, in India she practices meditation in an ashram and in Indonesia she finds love.

-Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert

CREATIVITY. A big word, with meaning for each and every one of us, as we are meant to create. In this book Elizabeth Gilbert breaks down the process of creating into five chapters. Courage, Enchantment, Permission, Persistence, Trust, Divinity. She does this in a beautifully and eloquent way.

-Girl Up by  Laura Bates

My first approach to feminism. Should be a must read for every young girl and boy. It makes you realize how sexism is found in everyday situations, that it even becomes „normal“ and socially acceptable.

-The Why Café by John Strelecky

The meaning of life. Three big questions to guide us finding our purpose on this Planet Earth.

-Return to the Why Café by John Strelecky

Another three big questions to dig deeper and help us fulfilling our lives.

-Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur

The most beautiful, raw and touching words written by a soul so pure. This collection of poems touches your heart and makes you feel so very deeply.

this is the journey of

surviving through poetry

this is the blood sweat tears

of twenty-one years

this is my heart

in your hands

this is

the hurting

the loving

the breaking

the healing

-rupi kaur


Girl crush ‚Alice Phoebe Lou‘

I just discovered this beautiful girl and now I’m listening to her music for days on end.

Her voice is just so soft and high pitched, the music has a very special sound to it. She describes it as melodic poetry, which suits really well.

It makes me feel very melancholic, happy and sad at the same time. It just touches my heart.

Growing up in South Africa, her parents were both working as documentarists, dealing with Apartheid. Ever since from a very young age, she wanted to travel and explore the world, so she did. After school she went to Europe, to Amsterdam and Berlin and made street music. Well, Berlin sucked her in and she stayed.

‚I stopped caring too much about my outside// didn’t wanna be told what makes a woman look right// didn’t wanna be told what I’m supposed to look like ‚

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